Saturday, 25 November 2017

Looking back in honesty

If you follow me on twitter, you'll have noticed I've returned to the good old medium of Youtube. It's been pretty fun for me if I'm honest, and I like that I'm finding new ways to remember what I've been up to with vlogs.

Yet, it's had a bit of an odd effect on my mental health. I avoided looking through the videos I'd uploaded and never made public(nothing risque I promise) for a long time, and I've kind of been forced to confront them.

In particular is a series of videos that I intended to string into one and be a "day in the life" style vlog on a day off from work. I look back now, and I can remember exactlyhow I felt that day, some 11, 12 months ago.
I remember feeling trapped in my own home. I keep referring to it jokingly in the video as "cabin fever". I remember feeling so lonely. I remember crying a good three, four times throughout the day. Most of all I remember how low I felt and not being comfortable talking about it. Even with my, then, boyfriend. I felt so isolated and lost. A whole day off and it felt like a waste. At the time it would have been one of many days I had like that, as I had a fair bit of annual leave to use up. It was time I was really struggling with being myself and looking back it's not hard to see why the relationship I was in ended shortly after.
Anyone watching the video will likely see someone having a quiet albeit dull day at home. To me it was so much more. The filming was an attempt to take some control of my life again.

The difference to me now is astonishing. Days off, I have plans. I'm busy. I'm exercising. I make plans and I spend time with my friends and family. Days spent in are a choice and a lazy luxury. I really am starting to feel like a different person.
Now, on the surface that should make me feel happy to see such a change. And it does, to a degree.
Yet, I found it really distressing seeing myself at that point of time. It evoked those same feelings of loneliness almost instantaneously. It's a fact that I live in fear of feeling like that. It's something I struggle with, trying to keep myself busy and motivated yet maintaining my own space and time to recharge.

I still have those feelings inside, but they've been losing their intensity and frequency the past 8 months or so. In general, I feel a lot happier with my life and the person I'm becoming. But it's hard not to mourn the person I was, whether or not that was the me I wanted to be.

I think, even though I find it really hard to talk about how I feel at those times, those kind of feelings are something I don't talk about on my blog. I try to keep it a place where I can be lighthearted and escape from them. The times when my posts become pretty scarce are often the times when I do feel low in mood, and my motivation is in my boots. It's something I still struggle with and probably always will.

So, I'm using this opportunity, while it's still fresh in my mind to be honest about it. I hope you as a reader, can appreciate just how uncomfortable I feel even typing this, in attempt to be honest to both you and myself.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Round up: #carnlival

So I was lucky enough to attend my third #CarnLIVal event just the other week. The event is growing to be one of my fave days of the year thanks to Katy and Sam.

This time we all descended into the depths of Yard and Coop for party games and fun. 
Once everyone had arrived we were all given a pin to pop a balloon and receive a raffle ticket. It was hilarious way to hand them out and everyone had a good giggle.
I made quick work of their £5 cocktail list, my favourite of which was the Bubble Butt...literally my mouth is watering thinking about it again haha...

We had the infamous naughty and nice bags, in which I came away with enough condoms to last me for years and a load of yummy sweets!  

When the raffle rolled round, the prizes including everything from Wax and Wicks candles, to a sex box full of supplies! I was lucky enough to win a voucher for a meal at Gustos restaurant, a restaurant I've been before and loved.

Every #carnLIVal event brings opportunities to meet new bloggers and catch up with old friends. This time round was no exception. Keeping with the party theme we all played stick the camera on the Blogger. Technically I was the most right as I "accidentally" stuck mine to Sam and not the bogger poster on the wall!

To cap off a great afternoon, the whole blogger squad was invited to Breakout Liverpool for a challenge. I was placed in a team with fellow bloggers Kiah and Danielle to breakout the tough Classified room. We only just did it with minutes to spare but I'm super proud of our teamwork and success!

Everyone was lucky enough to leave with a goody bag,  I've included a few pics of some of our goodies here. Everyone had a big surprise by far when they pulled out a vibrator! Still the bags were padded out with more PG items like yummy lip balms and tea.

I loved attending #carnLIVal, so thank you for having me! 

Abi x

Roll on next time!! ;)

Sunday, 19 November 2017

Film challenge: no tears!

Waaaay back, when this blog was only a fledgling thing I wrote a post about things that make me cry. In tribute to the blog surpassing the grand age of 2 back in September (belated birthday...) I wanted to have a little challenge.

I took to twitter and friends to come up with a list of films guaranteed to make me cry. I wanted to see if I could last the films in question with a clear face... Hardcore or what?

The Notebook 
I’ll be honest I avoided watching this for so long because I fully expected it to make me cry. Turns out I was correct. A heartwarming tale of a woman who has dementia in her twilight years, being told the story of two young lovers. The topic of dementia always hits hard for me. Between treating patients and helping families those who have it, and seeing my grandad struggle with it, it really twists me up.

Crying moment: 36 minutes.
Rating: 10/10, beautiful film.

Forrest Gump
This is a film that I hadn’t watched before, to the disappointment of several of my friends... I simply knew the story so well that I never really felt the need to watch it.
Due to that I was genuinely surprised that I didn’t in fact cry. Although it took a lot longer into the film to set those wee tears off.
There was lots of parts of the film that I genuinely heard of, so I’m really glad I finally watched it!

Crying moment: 2hours 9 minutes
Rating: 8/10, still felt like I knew what to expect...

Marley & Me
I think if you've read this far into the post you've gathered that I have no issue with shedding a few tears... This particular film tells the story of a family as they grow and develop along with fellow canine family member Marley. Now, if you haven't seen the film then look away but we see the whole of Marley's lifespan, including the end if you catch my drift.

Surprisingly, I actually stayed tear free. Not that I wasn't incredibly sad but it didn't quite bring me to tears( was close though). Maybe because I've never really had a pet, so it didn't have the full emotional effect on me. Or maybe my heart is made of stone(or at least a 1/3 of it...)

So there you have it!

Have you seen these films? Did they make you cry?

Abi x

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Travel review: Poznan!

The title says it all right? I went to Poznan in Poland at the end of October and had such a chill time I had to share it on here. I was there all by myself, which was a pretty scary experience for me. I'm not a great flier at the best of times and going solo really challenged me. I booked my flights through the Skyscanner app and got great deal. I then used Air BnB to get a lovely guest room for one for the three nights.
Have a peek of some of the lovely sights I saw!

The town square was probably my favourite part, it looked like it had just stepped out of a fairytale.

The food and drink were insanely cheap, I changed way too much money. So ended up spending it on sweets in the airport home...oops!

I've actually been trying to branch back into doing more vlogs and made two up from my time out in Poland. Check them out here!

I'm not going to be putting lots of videos on the blog but just wanted to re-introduce them on here, so bear with me haha.

What do you think of Poznan?

Abi x

P.s. sadly not sponsored but I actually found the Skyscanner and AirBnB apps really helpful.