Saturday, 25 November 2017

Looking back in honesty

If you follow me on twitter, you'll have noticed I've returned to the good old medium of Youtube. It's been pretty fun for me if I'm honest, and I like that I'm finding new ways to remember what I've been up to with vlogs.

Yet, it's had a bit of an odd effect on my mental health. I avoided looking through the videos I'd uploaded and never made public(nothing risque I promise) for a long time, and I've kind of been forced to confront them.

In particular is a series of videos that I intended to string into one and be a "day in the life" style vlog on a day off from work. I look back now, and I can remember exactlyhow I felt that day, some 11, 12 months ago.
I remember feeling trapped in my own home. I keep referring to it jokingly in the video as "cabin fever". I remember feeling so lonely. I remember crying a good three, four times throughout the day. Most of all I remember how low I felt and not being comfortable talking about it. Even with my, then, boyfriend. I felt so isolated and lost. A whole day off and it felt like a waste. At the time it would have been one of many days I had like that, as I had a fair bit of annual leave to use up. It was time I was really struggling with being myself and looking back it's not hard to see why the relationship I was in ended shortly after.
Anyone watching the video will likely see someone having a quiet albeit dull day at home. To me it was so much more. The filming was an attempt to take some control of my life again.

The difference to me now is astonishing. Days off, I have plans. I'm busy. I'm exercising. I make plans and I spend time with my friends and family. Days spent in are a choice and a lazy luxury. I really am starting to feel like a different person.
Now, on the surface that should make me feel happy to see such a change. And it does, to a degree.
Yet, I found it really distressing seeing myself at that point of time. It evoked those same feelings of loneliness almost instantaneously. It's a fact that I live in fear of feeling like that. It's something I struggle with, trying to keep myself busy and motivated yet maintaining my own space and time to recharge.

I still have those feelings inside, but they've been losing their intensity and frequency the past 8 months or so. In general, I feel a lot happier with my life and the person I'm becoming. But it's hard not to mourn the person I was, whether or not that was the me I wanted to be.

I think, even though I find it really hard to talk about how I feel at those times, those kind of feelings are something I don't talk about on my blog. I try to keep it a place where I can be lighthearted and escape from them. The times when my posts become pretty scarce are often the times when I do feel low in mood, and my motivation is in my boots. It's something I still struggle with and probably always will.

So, I'm using this opportunity, while it's still fresh in my mind to be honest about it. I hope you as a reader, can appreciate just how uncomfortable I feel even typing this, in attempt to be honest to both you and myself.